me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
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every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.