Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
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When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]