A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
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[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
😜
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
I am, perchance
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened