“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
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The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*