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Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
My wedding will be open casket.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree