Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
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Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”