Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
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[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away