“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
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My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
what
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK