Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
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[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”