I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
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don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Are you ok, human???
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt