[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
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Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”