Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
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I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Jesus Christ lmao
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only