someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
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Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet