huge if true: the moon
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I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard