Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
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Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning