Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
You Might Also Like
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
😅😅😅
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person