No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
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Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
ACED my prostate exam!
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip