Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
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Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats