Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
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Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.