was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
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I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse