Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
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Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Worst bar ever.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil