“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
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Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash