Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
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Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal