Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
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Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too