Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
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My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them