no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
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Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
The options really are this bad
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me: