I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
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If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
This pepper has seen some shit
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.