[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
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me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Boom, boom, ching!
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
this isn’t threatening at all
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!