Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
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I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Real House Wines.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Big Sex has us all fooled
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”