My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
You Might Also Like
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Bringing home a sharpie
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
How times have changed.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Oh deer