[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
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[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
The news in a nutshell.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
it must be school picture day
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
*3.5 thank you very much.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.