– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
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In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
You can’t outrun your problems…
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie