Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
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Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
who wore it better?
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way