[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
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I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that