I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
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My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
I’m too immature for adultery.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Very good! 👍😂
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.