📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
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My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.