i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
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[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!