boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
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There’s only one good girl here!
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
i prefer mine room temperature.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
m’lady
Dead sexy!!
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.