I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
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Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
there’s probably a fee though
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.