I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
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Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.