How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
You Might Also Like
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
🤣🤣💀
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
pep talk
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.