Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
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*googles how the hell I ended up here*
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
More like Kate Missington.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
If you’re testing me, we failed.