Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
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is there nothing we can trust anymore
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
“and how does that make you feel?”
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
*3.5 thank you very much.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”