During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
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Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault