me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
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Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
These dogs look like they have good credit.
why no one uses midhusbands
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.