can’t bark with your mouth full
You Might Also Like
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.