Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
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I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Effort made
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.