flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
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Baking is just science you can eat.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
what day is it?
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Morning.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”