her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
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Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.