Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
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My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!